Peter

A good man died yesterday.

I think ultimately, all of us will be remembered with simple qualifiers. A funny woman. A nice guy. A persistent chap. In many cases people are described that way because it’s the easiest way to sum them up.

Not here. Not now.
*
My father has always been a bit difficult to understand. He's always been the Logical Argument take-it-or-leave-it type that usually managed to piss off all his friends to the point that they would simply get mad and leave him to whatever ailed him.

All his friends, except my Uncle Peter.

He wasn't even really my Uncle...but a chance meeting one day with my Dad created a friendship that saw him becoming my Godfather when I was born and spanning well over three decades.

Uncle Peter would always listen. Always smile. He was always the first to arrive when help was needed and always the last to leave. When I just couldn't stop failing math in secondary school, it was Uncle Peter that would leave his family to come try and coach me in math. It was uncle Peter that would be summoned when the dishes were flying at home and the voices raised like the sky would fall.

It was uncle Peter that would tell me later on in life, one of the many times my dad would be driving me crazy. He said, “Son. People aren't bad. It's just that everyone has a different limit of understanding. If they really thought about what they were doing, they'd know it's wrong. But they can't. So we can't get mad at them for it.”

That was my godfather to a T. He always saw the good in everyone, always gave them a chance, always lived for them. Till this day I still have not seen an extended family as tightly knit as his, where brothers band together and families overlap.

He's gone. And I sit here writing this, yes, it's impossible not to cry. But it's also impossible not to feel some peace knowing that this man who carried everyone his whole life, will finally have peace.

But you know what really hurts? My son will never get to meet him, know him. It would have been the best thing in the world to be able to point at him at some family reunion in a few years, smile and say, “See that man, Son? That's your Uncle Peter.

“And yes, he is a good man.”


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

High Resolution

...my palms are too hairy to hide
My Name Is - Eminem

New year resolutions are a bit like masturbation.

Both begin with a very determined look on your face, involve a lot of action (which only seems to excite well, you) and ends in a futile mess.

They're also both the one thing you're mortified to talk about after.

I try to avoid resolutions. They're pointless. You will almost always fail. I mean let’s face it; a calendar change won't suddenly make you eat less, you cow. Besides some of my best achievements last year were spur-of-the-moment decisions (giving up soda and my BlackBerry) all done during the year. Real resolutions aren't tied to holidays and New Year church services.

However. We still resolve to do stuff differently every year. It's human nature. Part of the reason New Year is such a powerful motivator is the same reason blank sheets of paper used to make you grab your crayon when we were kids - the urge to do something new.

So this year, I have resolved, as always, to do some things differently. And what better way to revel in impending failure than to share this list with total strangers on the Internet?

1. Stop the Sarcasm.
I have tried.
But the world is full of so, so many beautifully stupid people, I can't. It’s like reflex,you know? I'm standing in a room with a person and I ask, “so what are you doing?”
And what reply do I get?
NO, what reply do I get?!?
“Who, me?”

Let us all agree that this is one I will never get.

2. Read More
Here's a quick example.Do you know what Instapaper is? I have articles I have saved in Instapaper while browsing,so I can check them in my quiet moments.

Articles saved in 2010.

Now this tells me one of two things. Either (1) I haven't had any quiet moments in 3 years or (2) twitter is eroding my capability to read anything more than 140 characters.
Either way,textbooks sob in rejection,blogs rot in the dark and some people will never get their SMS replied.

Oh, which leads me to -

3. Stop Deleting People!
Look, let's face it. You tend to add people as contacts because you're either too much of a wuss or too slain by peer pressure. Someone sitting on your contact list for six months and not saying a word is a bit like someone standing in the corner of a public toilet watching you as you nervously try to pee. It's freaky.
But then again.
How about that one guy who won't shut up? Always waiting for you to change your status message and then they ping you. Or the bombard you with forwarded messages. Or they tell you how if you don't forward this message in 2 hours,Jesus Will Slay You.
Phone numbers, twitter contacts, everything.
Deleting is a lot like taking laxative.

4. Losing Weight
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Yeah, come on man.

5. More Blogging
This is the only one on the list I feel truly bad about. Blogging used to be really great, remember? Back when there were a whole lot more of us with silly names and even crazier stories. Like everything else, this seems to be one resolve that loses more and more ground each year.
I have found solace in a higher purpose, though.
Thank God for video games.
*
So, Resolutions. What's the point of committing so much energy to something that always ends in fruitless anticlimax?

You know.

Just like uh, that other thing.

Evolve or Die, Yo.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

What Are You, Stupid?

Now they say I boast.
Jale - Olamide


2012, the Year of Stupid.

Talking about me now, not Nigeria. This was the year where rational thinking got put aside and full-on stupidity was boldly embraced.

Allow me to elucidate.
*
This blog started back in 2007, the exact same year I started working in the meat grinder called Lagos. Just getting into advertising I was, like most n00bs - idealistic.

I had a firm understanding of what was wrong with advertising in Nigeria and I was going to fix it. Hard not to think so. I had the imagination, I had the crazy ideas...neither of which survived the first collision with this little thing I like to call reality.

Over the next five years such stupid thinking got left behind as I focused on marginally more important things like oh, I don't know - earning a salary, meeting deadlines and so on. And to be fair, I did build a sturdy little career in a nice little place and all was well.

Then 2012 came along. I had this niggling feeling since the beginning of the year I couldn't shake. It wasn't so much a feeling of discontent as it was one of mounting boredom.

And from out of the blue, the Stupid ideas came back. Dreams of massive global campaigns. Tim Burtonesque type TV spots. World Domination.
I remembered why I had entered this gig in the first place.

Stupidity is like a fire; it catches. I was talking to one or two people and they had some pretty ri-diculous ideas of their own. Iron sharpeneth iron. Amen, somebody.

As of June, I had been promoted three times in about four years with the usual array of commendations and back-clapping harrumphing from management.

Like they always liked to remind me, I had a bright future in this place.
Being fortunate enough to have all that, I did the only thing that came to me at the time.

I resigned.

There was no back up counter offer, no safety net. There was only this stupid idea. So I followed it.
*
Few people know I never owned a car in Lagos. Back in youth service I had this jalopy that was held together by sheer willpower. I sold it for roughly the same price as lunch at Yellow Chilli back in 2006 before moving towns. But here in Lagos, two things quickly became clear. One, if your car breaks down in traffic you're finished. And Two, if you wanted peace of mind, you needed to buy a new car... And I couldn't afford that.

Now, to batter my pride, my girlfriend had a car. Naturally, it was an SUV. You don't want to know what going out on dates was like. I give her a lot of kudos cos she MARRIED A MAN WITHOUT A CAR.

I can see typical Lagos girls gasping and snatching off their Brazilian weave in horror. Lol.

I tell you this to so I can tell you I had started planning buying a car just about the point I resigned. So, there was no job, no salary, and an impending car plan.

Like I said, pretty Stupid.
*

That was in June. The company started in August. I resumed as Head of the creative department on the first of that month.

As I type this, we have clients for every finger on both hands. The company has a hundred per cent success rate - no pitches lost. The stupid idea I had six years ago about redefining advertising has now become the job I drive to every day.

Oh, and the car thing. So I finally bought the car in August right? Was totally loving the trip computers and the push-to-start...and then I got ANOTHER brand new car last week. Official car, you see.

So husband and wife got upgraded.
*

So, this is how 2012 ends.

There are so many ideas people have that the world calls stupid. Leaving a safe job. Starting a business in a recession. Following the most improbable dream in the world. All ridiculous.

But as my CEO and I were discussing the other day, the best ideas are sometimes the stupid ones.

I think it's important to write these candid posts every once in a while so it all serves as a reminder. Where you're coming from, and where you're headed.

Happy New Year, guys. Go ahead and do something stupid in 2013.

Evolve or Die.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Forgetful Jones

Been long you saw me
Dem say everybody looking for me?
Been Long You Saw Me -  Wande Coal

If you didn't believe 2012 was the end of the world, consider this; it's the first time since my blog started that I didn't do a post for my birthday.

They were right. This is The End.

Man, there's something I want to tell you guys but, for the life of me, I cannot remember.

Anyway, what the do Blogsville? I have sorely missed ye, you collection of talented and not-so-gifted writers. This was never the plan, but real life has been WAY more engaging than anything else. And I don't mean that in an entirely good way, you know.

Did i tell you guys about the time I had chicken pox? I did?

What on earth is it I wanted to tell you, then?

On the flipside, i got a great birthday gift from The Other Half...the best so far (till she gets me a mind control device next year) and I've already started wreaking havoc with it. You guys ask me nicely, and i'll share some of the devastation with you.

Superboy has grown a tooth, just like a little RugRat. I discovered this magical fact by mistakingly poking a finger in his open mouth and subsequently mistakingly screaming from the ensuing pain.

Oh, I remember what i wanted to tell you! I got myself a birthday gift as well.

Naa, that's not it. I already put that up on Twitter. Man. When did my memory get this bad?

Anyhow, till i remember. More news; I finally got of my ass and set up an honest-to-God website. That's right baby, Freaksho is going global in a big way. And no, I can't give you the URL yet cos the house ain't finished yet.

It will be awesome, trust me.

Oh, and this last request is for anyone on Instagram - add me! I see there's a thriving amateur photography community out there...I swear i can't get enough. :)

Well, that's all for now. I do promise to update more often and -

Ohhh. Now I remember what I wanted to tell you.

I quit my job yesterday.

The Real Hunger Games

Get on your knees

they say you are what you eat, baby.

Lil Kim & Too Short - Call Me

I was this random health blog a long time ago last year. The author, a nice lady, was talking about this thing where she had decided to take pictures of all the food she'd eat for a one year period to help her diet and eat healthy. She said the kind of food you eat says a lot about you.

i couldn't agree more.

So, i decided to give it a try. Before i start let me share my weight with you. Ten months ago i used to weigh 88kg. Now, i weigh 92kg.

Where did all those extra Kay Gees come from?

Grab a spoon and let's dig out the truth.

this will be fun.

*

9AM:

Here we go. Now this here is familiar, i wot. Yam boiled in Turkey pepper soup. Onions, pepper, hold the sugar. Is this fattening, i ask you? No. I rate this healthy.

12:59AM:

Ah, i remember this day. i was terribly hungry past midnight and cajoled the wife into fixing up a little snack. Some people argue that it's all fried food and so late at night. I put forward the argument that the eggs are fresh and it's past midnight. that makes it 'AM'. i rate this healthy.

6:40PM:

I guess you could say i have a soft spot for pepper-soup. It's basically the Nigerian answer to western chicken soup ONLY...ours goes down hot and exits hot. This is of course a healthy meal due to the fact that tripe was used. As has been scientifically proven, tripe will one day be an excellent cure for Cancer, Herpes and Genital Warts.

7:44PM:

Now what we have here is so healthy, it's practically medicine in it's own right. Boiled plantain introduced to bitter-leaf sauce mated with pepper and blessed with Turkey. The joy of this meal is that the ingredients are all yelling at each other. the spicy pepper, the bitter leaf and the neutral, slightly gay yam. then you add a chunk of Turkey to that and all is well. i rate this almost too healthy.

8:54PM:

The next set of pictures are not for the faint of heart. What you're looking at is essentially an amalgam of two heavyweight greats. Turkey you already know. The other...is Bush Meat. And we're talking the originator right here. a close look will show the strings still entwined within. it's important to note that this combo can is only approved for individuals aged 18 and above. rated EH for Excessively Healthy.

4:00PM:

Dodo. Who can contest the awesomeness of fried plantain? Like a get out of Hunger-Jail free card when you don't know what to eat. The trick of course, is to make sure the plantain is heading to overripe territory. that's friendly plantain. combine this at your own peril with Bush Meat stew. The end result is the food equivalent of slapping someone you've always hated to your favourite song. Rated very healthy.

2:33PM:

Now here's a bit of post X-mas cheer. This happy little sandwich came together quite nicely and was chased down with a few cans of Honest-To-God Schweppes. Alone, they might not seem like much...but get a few of them together and they'll push your wall of Jericho down flat. This is also something of a celebrity meal, seeing as it was hand-made by the health and fitness instructor that owns this blog. must you ask if this is healthy? don't be ridiculous.

1:11PM:

Ah. Fried rice. that oft lambasted pillar of our culture. Saving it from shame here, you're seeing fried rice closely supported by...chicken casserole. That's right, chicken finally gets acknowledged here.Any worries about the oily nature of Fried rice may be assuaged by the fact that that was, in fact, real chicken. ergo, real healthy.

2:41PM:

Last, but by no means the least, i present to you...The Hebrew Meal. well made bread and thick, meaty stew, this will make you want to sprout a beard, wear a robe and grab a staff to tell some heretics off. An interesting aside is the origin of the main aspects of the meal. The world-famous Shoprite bread paired with righteous grilled chicken ALSO from Shoprite. bring the whole shebang home and cook it in sloth and it's all Shalom, brother. This is healthy. Moses probably ate this back then.

*

So what have we learned? Sometimes we just add weight for no apparent reason. Despite my impressively sane dietary habits, there were factors even i could'nt fight.

I guess life is just like that.

Evolve or Die, people.

The Business Call

Murder murder murder.

Kill kill kill.

Method Man & Redman - Cereal Killer

Work was a little busy today. I had written a bunch of radio scripts, speeches and bank ads – the worst. So I was tired and hungry when my phone rang. What follows is the conversation I had.

*

ME:                        Hello?

PERSON:              Hello, hi.

ME:                        Hi.

I grit my teeth. Oh Lord. Slow talker.

ME:                        I’m sorry, who is this?

PERSON:              Yes. I got your number from a friend. I need a copywriter.

Notice he started that sentence with ‘yes’. Affirmative. He couldn’t have been more cryptic if he had said ‘Sausage.’

ME:                        Alright. May I please know who I’m speaking to?

PERSON:              Yes. My name is Paul.

Sausage.

ME:                        Hi Paul. What do you need?

PAUL:                    A copywriter.

ME:                        Yeah, okay. I mean what do you need a copywriter for?

PAUL:                    Yes. I want to run a campaign.

Sausage.

ME:                        Cool. What’s the campaign for?

PAUL:                    God.

Wha - ?

ME:                        I’m sorry, did you say ‘God?’

PAUL:                    I said Blood.

ME:                        Oh, blood - Blood?!?

PAUL:                    I want people to contribute blood for donation.

That’s when I realize, too late, that this call should have been recorded from the beginning.

ME:                        I’m sorry Paul. You're a doctor?

PAUL:                    No, I do business.

Ahhhh.

ME:                        Okay, who gave you my number?

He mentioned a name. A former colleague...who will soon be formerly alive.

ME:                        I see.

PAUL:                    Yes.

Sausage.

PAUL:                    When can we see to talk about it? I have ideas for radio and television.

ME:                        For the blood.

PAUL:                    Yes. And newspaper magazine.

Sausa – newspaper magazine? Newgazine?

ME:                        Okay, I’m sorry. But I’m very busy this period. I don’t think I will have an opportunity to meet with you.

Pause.

PAUL:                    Okay.

ME:                        My apologies.

PAUL:                    Yes. Fine.

Sausage.

ME:                        Paul. Who will you sell the blood to?

PAUL:                    Which blood?

Oh. Kay.

ME:                        The blood you want people to donate.

PAUL:                    Yes. We will sell it to hospitals. And people that do not have.

Sausage. Blood of Christ my father.

ME:                        Okay then, bye bye.

PAUL:                    Thank you.

ME:                        Yes, bye.

Freaksho, Sausage.

Filling In The Blanks

Let's see...what have you missed?

The last time we spoke we were in a state of rebellion, weren't we? Pitchforks and all that. Quaint, really. Good times.

So lets catch up.

Well since then work has resumed in earnest, a...very problematic client (problematic like, I almost quit my job five times in the last four years) got fired. Yes. Fired, and thrown out in a fantasy trip taken from my most intimate high.

The raging mad-on I got from hearing that still hasn't died down.

Moving on, my office did fire two people, so it's been somewhat hairy over at the old sweat shop.

Oh wait, the joint got thrashed and robbed. But I'm sure the two aren't related, haha.

Or maybe they are. *cue sinister music*

The Lil Man has discovered sitting, crawling and Disney Junior. He has also had his first haircut, which was probably a good idea seeing as he was soon going to be needing a hair ruffle. And no, he didn't get a Mohawk.

I did go to Cape Town for business only for a few days...and returned in safely.

Then succumbed to an epic case of Chicken Pox that showed me 9 levels of hell and has left me currently looking like spotted cheese. My pretty days are over. Don't weep for me.

The new iPad has been released and for the first time can go @#£% itself (I'm sticking to my Galaxy Tab, baby) I got the PS Vita, I just started watching Lost and, yeah.

That's pretty much the last 2 months.

So what say we just continue where we left off?

Evolve or Die, people.

Luck Won't Save Them Tonight

And you're not going to take what they've got to give
And you're not gonna let them take your will to live
Because they've taken enough and you've given them all you can give
...And Luck won't save them tonight.
Deadman's Gun - Ashtar Command

Three days ago I wrote the most bitter post of my life.

It was full of rage, frustration and more than a little defeatist. After proofreading it for typos, I hit the 'publish' button. Two things happened. One, I immediately felt regret for giving in to the depression of the moment and writing what I had.

Two; the app crashed and deleted the entire post.

I took a hint and stepped away from the iPad and blogger. Three days later, I'm glad i did.

*

Like everyone else (sane) in this country, I was livid when the announcement of the removal of fuel subsidy hit on the 1st. With the Boko Haram menace still looming over the nation, this couldn't have come at a worse time. But then i saw something that irritated me a lot more; people were joking about this.

I haven't put up a tweet since the year started. Instead I watched a parade of inane proportions fill twitter and bbm statuses as people joked, castigated each other and made cartoons over what to me, was a new era in the government brutalising the people.

It was at that time i felt that this Country was indeed beyond saving, and that we were all contributors to our own doom.

But, I guess when it's time, it's time. In less than a week what started as burning resentment has grown to a global movement with a fully detailed Wikipedia page no less.

So.

This post is a thank you to Nigerians all around the world who have, for the first time in a long time, put aside differences in beliefs, religion and tribe to come together. To show those that treat this country as their personal property that anger has a voice and retribution has a face.

And to anyone on the fence; this fight is for you and your children's future. If there's ever been a time when strength in numbers is needed, that time is now.

And to anyone on the other side of the fence, it's fine. You don't have to join; just get the hell out of the way.

We can win this one, people. We just have to fight for it.


#OccupyNigeria.